2011 Palestine
Leaving the Qamb was one of the hardest moments! I haven’t cried for over 18 years when saying goodbye, but this time was different, this time it was not only for leaving the amazing people I’ve met but because it was the first time I felt and feel alive deep inside. The Qamb succeeded in fulfilling what hundred sessions of therapy couldn’t accomplish, it touched every unhealed personal past experience, every scar and unresolved matter and fact, it gave me power and empowerment to return back home wanting life, loving life and forcing life to become alive. I was crying tears, crying for real! These tears though; were tears of ultimate happiness and satisfaction.
True, it felt heavy, very heavy as it was intense, but I’m sure that things will fit to their right place and my piece of art will be created and complete in the course of time.
Do you know how it feels to act and be yourself with no one to judge, hurt, misunderstand or ignore you and your needs? Well, I KNOW, for the first time I could be myself, I could laugh, talk, ask, question, cry, act, react, play, hug, dance, walk, eat, sleep and so many other “simple” things with no one judging, on the contrary, everyone was willing to grant each other his\her personal space, I could go around being Alhan, naked of all the masks I’ve ever tried to wear in a desperate attempt to protect myself and maybe others who were not open enough to accept me and my complete and incomplete self. I finally started loving and embracing who I am; I didn’t have to think twice with every single act or word. People were so much, loving, hugging and willing to be at the same place I was willing to experience and get to.
Before the Qamb I knew I had a culture, I used to criticize it more than observing and absorbing the great hidden parts of it. Today, these parts have names, faces, accents, customs, dances and songs… Yes we are all Arabs, who are supposed to act as a one whole similar unit according to how we are being viewed and treated by the Western and European countries. The Westerns and Europeans observe our culture as a one whole unit; they see us in a very collective perspective. It is really interesting to come to know that the Westerns and Europeans who highly encourage and recommend the approach of individualism suddenly view and treat the Arab nation as a one united piece, as a one collective nation, however helping hiding the treasures ingrained within each nation’s culture, not allowing the individual self and culture of each Arab nation to grow as an independent and a unique one with its similarities and dissimilarities to its sister Arab nation.
Many of us know and are aware of the fact that a complete puzzle is formed from different shaped pieces, each piece completes the other but can never replace it. The Qamb brought these special pieces together, organized them, gave each its space to exist by itself and only after; these pieces were gathered and found their match, then we began forming one superb, harmonic, magnificent puzzle!
The Arab activists’ togetherness and gathering at the Qamb made it as clear as day light; true! We are a big one whole unit, a macro one, but the world and maybe us too forgot that there is the micro parts too. This micro was kind of vague to me, even I as an Arab couldn’t notice the so many similarities and dissimilarities. How would I forget that each Arab nation has gone through wars, apartheids, occupations and colonialism? How would I forget that each is living under different regimes and regulation? Almost every Arab nation was affected differently, each adopted parts of its occupation periods whether through customs, languages and rules thus implementing the many differences within the “supposed to be” great one whole similar culture.
The Qamb made the physical togetherness of the Arab nation come into reality, it succeeded to bring about what the whole peace process couldn’t accomplish; it made the physical connection to become a reality, I could touch, hug, talk with the “forbidden Arab countries”. To me as a Palestinian living within the borders of Israel, it is not taken for granted and it’s absolutely not obvious that I could meet with my “Arab brothers and sisters” with no borders, barricades and laws separating between us. It is sad that we have to wait for too long and only for such initiatives and opportunities to be able to meet and connect with each other, it is too sad that only through these kinds of activities we can meet and gather physically. On the other hand, the Qamb made this dream come true; I could be surrounded by my people, I felt I belong, I belong to the Arab nation that I used to fight and rebel against at every given chance, not allowing myself to dive deeper under the surface to live the real rich culture.
Today I can feel and sense the borders separating me from my people and culture, the physical and the human borders segregating between us; I came to notice more than ever that the local, regional and international political movements are supporting the division and portioning of the Arab nations, hence preventing the people to mix, make human connections, and form a healthy and truly united Arab world that is based on shared experiences, facts, realities, customs and so on. I can say I’m a “total Palestinian” but not a “total Arab” belonging to a deep rooted and a clear true culture. My culture was stolen and affected by many external and uncontrolled factors and causes. My culture somehow lost its old unity; but it evolved into a unique, wide and multi cultural culture yet to be explored.
The Idea of the open space workshops was a brilliant one. The open space strategy allowed the initial and main needs of the participants to be expressed, heard and even discussed. These were not only lectures and regular enriching workshops about gender, race, religion, politics, history, philosophy, art and sexuality; these workshops were very educational, deeply emotional but mainly they were highly therapeutical ones. Day by day the participants shared more real and accurate needs and the right workshops were set covering and responding to the majority’s needs. Almost everyone emerged from the different workshops with great satisfaction expression on or empowered. People went out questioning, smiling, crying, hugging, laughing and many repeating the sentence:”wow, it was a life changing experience”. Positive feelings and souls were there all around all the time. Through theses workshops I could choose whether I want to talk politics, feminism, rights, secular, commercial, activism and last but not least the personal.
The atmosphere and the interactions of people within the Qamb were able to break all the “iron barriers” connecting me to my body and sexuality. Talking about my sexual orientation and connecting to my sexuality while being raised in a conservative society wasn’t only a social taboo but a personal one too. The funny thing is that before the Qamb; I used to think I had all issues connecting me to my body resolved somehow; stemming from the fact that being considered a revolutionary woman, breaking and fighting so many norms, beliefs and stereotypes; and an activist for so many years in the field of sexuality, gender and human rights had its deepest effect on me; but surprisingly it hit me in the face when realizing that I was still blocking the real connection with my body and sexuality, I used to say out loud that I’ve established this connection but it seems I’ve never really felt it! NEVER TILL NOW.
Through the different workshops and being surrounded by the amazing participants I could release my deep past fears and barriers one by one, enabling myself to feel my body, to talk freely about my needs, fears and sexual orientation. My voice was heard with no restrictions, I could finally talk and express my feelings and connect to my sexuality without being judged or looked at as a weird creature or a revolutionary, feminist, extremist woman and activist. I had a space and a place to be completely myself, my true self.
The atmosphere in the Qamb had its fascinating effect on breaking the last barrier that prevented the utmost connection with my body. Today I can see and feel my body as a whole non-separate unit. Through the different workshops people had the chance to discuss, question and rethink their sexuality and body image. I‘m back home with great acceptance, appreciation and love to my body, self, life and to every imperfect detail forming it. I’ve experienced hundreds of great moments; my self esteem and confidence have risen to new unfamiliar levels to me.
I wish for every one that I love to go through the same experience I’ve lived. I think that the Qamb is a very mandatory experience; it is not a taken for granted gathering. It is truly a “life changing experience”. It has almost all the missing components that need to exist in order to bring unity with the so similar and yet different people. It reveals diverse levels of human communication and multiple levels of connection with the “different other”.
I came back home full with ambition, aspiration and great energies for greater activism and ideas for making the social change become more present and active. I came back holding a greater, bigger and worthier culture; I’m back with great personal empowerment, with higher self confidence and esteem, with more motivation and an ongoing inspiration.
Great love and appreciation to every supporter and participant in Mantiqatna Qamb 2011
A.G Palestine
